I’ve been in a relationship with a man for 7 months that I’ve been acquainted with for years. In the beginning I was not interested at all and actually held a 6 year long grudge against him. He worked VERY hard for 2 months to get a first date with me and another month to convince me to only date him.
I’m 36 and he is 42. I’m divorced, no kids. He’s never been married, no kids.
He progressed the relationship very quickly, in the beginning he was very complimentary and told me all the time how much I meant to him. He started talking marriage 3 months in and asked me to move in 2 months ago. We are not engaged but I’m aware that he has a ring.
Overall, he’s still attentive to me. Makes me coffee and meals, starts my car in the morning, fixes my car, jumps at the chance to make sure I have what I need and helps with and supports my hobbies. He’s also still pretty affectionate and will grab my hand and rub my back and give me hugs often.
However, since I’ve moved in, he has stopped complimenting me. He’s stopped telling me how much I mean to him. He shuts down or laughs when I ask any type of question that is deeper than how’s your day going? Im a sexual person and could have it daily, which is how we started out. But now since moving in, I’m the one who ALWAYS initiates sex and if I don’t, we will go a week or more without it. And half the times I do initiate it, it’s just me taking care of him orally with no effort on his part to take it further which I don’t mind but it’s starting to wear on me that he never seems to be the one interested…..he is also absolutely uncomfortable with talking about anything that has to do with sex.
I have a great job I love, an active social life outside of him, I am healthy and stay active running, mountain biking, hiking, skiing etc – Which keeps me skinny but admittedly I’m soft and always add a few pounds in the winter time.
Overall I have a healthy level of self-esteem and I feel like I let him be him…. but I admit I have some very insecure days too, I can be a bit emotional during pms, and I have had a very jealous moment with only one of the girls he texts. (He was hiding his texts to her)
Should I be concerned that we don’t have deeper conversations, he’s stopped being vocal with his feelings, and/or his lack of sexual desire?
Is there more I can do?
Or do I have it good enough?
Thank you for your time!
This is the kind of question I get in Love U all the time and I’m glad to address it here.
From your perspective, it’s confusing.
From a reader’s perspective, it’s as clear as day.
Let’s start with a few Love U principles:
- You’re only as needy as your unmet needs.
- You need to feel safe, heard and understood with your partner.
- Good relationships are easy. If they’re not easy, they’re not that good.
- Your boyfriend isn’t the last man on Earth.
- Sex isn’t the most important part of a relationship, but without sex, your relationship will be miserable.
That should clarify everything for you, Erin.
The first six years are irrelevant (albeit unusual).
The two months of courtship is what he had to do to win you over.
Then he love bombed you and started talking marriage WAY too soon – presumably to lock you in.
Now, he feels like he has you and he’s letting the REAL man out.
This is it. This is him.
It’s not the guy you saw in the first few months. This is it. This is him. This is what you can expect the rest of your life to look like.
Any woman who clings to a relationship in hopes that it returns to the bliss of the first three months is at high risk for a lifetime of disappointment.
Exercise: look at your relationship NOW.
If you’re happy with it, stay.
If you’re unhappy with it, go.
Congratulations. You’ve just gotten $20,000 of relationship advice for free.
This advice is based on reality, not on fantasy.
The fantasy is that he’ll revert to the best behavior it took to win you over.
The reality is that, for whatever reason, he’s not a good communicator, has a low libido, is not attracted to you, and wants to lock you in as a wife before you REALIZE this and LEAVE.
So save him the trouble.
Get out and find a man who wants to have sex with you. God knows, there are thousands of ‘em.
All it takes is one to make the search worth your while.