So you want to know how to flirt with a guy but you don’t know how.
Don’t worry. You’re not alone. Lots of women (and men) are born without the flirting gene.
The good news is that even if flirting doesn’t come naturally, becoming a good flirt isn’t a difficult skill to master. Just follow the directions below to learn a fun way to make men fall for you wherever you go.
What is flirting?
There are entire books written on this subject but it’s not that complicated.
Flirting is about paying attention to a guy and showing interest – without going over the top about it.
In other words, flirting with a guy comes from a place of power, not weakness.
It’s not about mind games. It’s not about pick-up lines or pre-written conversation starters. It’s not just body language, eye contact, and playful teasing. That’s just surface-level stuff.
The way to build intimacy and make a guy feel romantically interested in you is mental, not physical.
Flirting, at its base, is about giving subtle clues that indicate sexual interest. What makes it even more interesting is that you don’t even need to actually talk about sex to flirt with a guy.
Confused yet? Good.
Keep reading to learn a few flirting tips that will attract higher quality men instantly.
Understanding How Men Flirt
Men and women flirt differently. That should come as no surprise.
Men tend to be as subtle as a jackhammer.
Why? Because, for better or worse, they are the ones who are expected to pursue, they are the ones who have to approach, they are the ones who generally make the first move.
Guys who shy from this – nice, respectful, men – often get placed in the friend zone. Since they have so little confidence that you’ll respond to them, they sit on the sidelines and hope you eventually develop a sexual attraction to them. (Note: you don’t) You’ve seen this behavior before.
They don’t initiate physical contact. They don’t engage in witty banter. They don’t use body language or eye contact in a way that turns you on.
You can probably picture some cute guy right now who is “just friends” with you – maybe even your best friend – but you just don’t see him as an object of desire. Instead, you see him a bit like a devoted puppy; he’d do anything for you, but you can’t summon any attraction to him – not in THAT way.
Now picture a confident guy.
He may pay attention to you but he doesn’t worship the ground you walk on. He may be genuinely interested in you but he doesn’t make you feel smothered. He doesn’t use pre-written pick-up lines but he can engage in back and forth banter. And while there may be sexual overtones, he’s not laying it on thick, overtly trying to get laid.
That doesn’t mean there aren’t clumsy attempts by most guys to flirt by taking the most obvious track: talking about themselves incessantly, being overly aggressive, and ultimately turning you off.
But just because a guy is a good flirt doesn’t mean he’s a tone-deaf alpha male.
Chances are, he’s a good listener, whom you enjoy talking to, and he wins you over in subtle ways. A funny joke here. A flirty text there. He’s showing obvious interest but the difference between him and the nice guy is that he’s going to take action at end of the night.
Unlike the “nice guy,” the attractive male flirt will not spend years sidling up to you, hoping that eventually, you stop dating jerks. He’s going to get your number and initiate contact the next day to see when he can take you out. A good flirt shows his interest and he does so without fear.
That’s why you say yes to him.
So before we turn our energies to how to flirt with a guy, let’s sum up – in three words – what will make you a master of the flirting game: Confidence, confidence, confidence.
Different Ways You Can Flirt With a Guy
Tip 1 Assume the answer is yes!
Think about the men I’ve been talking about. I didn’t say anything about their height, weight, age, education, or income. I didn’t say anything about their religion or politics or career.
It’s not that these things don’t matter.
But when you decide whether you’re sexually attracted to someone, you’re not really “deciding.” Your attraction is unconscious and visceral – which is why it’s impossible to force yourself to become attracted to a guy. So how does anyone trigger attraction in anyone?
As I teach women in my signature course, Love U, the underlying sentiment behind any good flirt is the belief that the man you’re flirting with already wants you. He finds you attractive. He wants to sleep with you. He wants to date you. He wants to commit to you.
It doesn’t matter if any of this is actually true. What matters is that you act like it is.
The internal dialogue sounds a little like this:
“You want me. I know you want me. You know that I know you want me. The rest of the night is just about me deciding if I’m going to give you a chance.”
It may sound a little weird if you say it out loud but what a powerful mindset shift.
Since men tend to look for sex in the process of finding love, this is something you can use to your advantage. If you assume that every guy wants to hook up, you can sit back and enjoy his attempts to court you.
Watch him brag about himself. Watch him toss compliments your way. Watch him try to explain why you’re great together. The best thing about knowing how to flirt with a guy is knowing that you don’t actually have to DO much of anything.
You can encourage him, make him feel good, and know that if anything happens, it’s completely on your terms.
In Love U, women are the CEOs and men are the interns competing for the job.
You decide who gets it.
Tip 2 Don’t worry about whether he likes you!
Think about the person who brings out your best.
It could be your best friend, your college roommate, even your Mom.
You never stop to think about whether your Mom is going to like you. You’re not concerned with whether your college roommate is interested in you. You never worry about whether your friend is attracted to you. A woman who is good at flirting acts like her most relaxed, confident self around men.
I know that seems hard to believe – especially if you have come to the conclusion that flirting is hard.
And I get it – when you meet someone you like, you get a little bit nervous. That’s normal. You may get quiet. You may get chatty. You may start complimenting the guy too much. You may start to feel awkward because you don’t want to make a mistake.
Just know that the more thought you put into how you act with a guy, the worse your results.
Think about the guy you’re not attracted to – the nice guy from above. Do you shut down around him? Do you guys fall into awkward silences? Do you struggle to make further conversation because of his huge muscles? Of course not. The reason the nice guy likes you is that you act like yourself around him!
What a novel concept! You’re more likable when you’re relaxed and comfortable.
You don’t have to give a guy your undivided attention at a party.
You don’t have to volunteer your number to show him you’re interested. (He’ll ask!)
You don’t have to worry about exactly what you say during your conversation or that you’re doing this flirting thing in the wrong way.
All you have to do is treat him like any other person and let down your guard. Or try this example of how you should act: like he’s a stranger on a plane.
When you sit next to the guy in 19B, you don’t spend any time worrying that he’s your soulmate and he might reject you. You ask him if he’s going home or is on business. You discover what book he’s reading. Since the stakes are low, you get out of your head. When you’re out of your head, you’re free to act like your best self.
And yes, that’s why he asks for your number at the end of the conversation.
Tip 3 Body language and eye contact
They say that 90% of communication is non-verbal and while I don’t know if that’s true, it is certainly true that you can find a low key way of using body language and eye contact to your advantage.
Here are a few examples:
Turn to face him and smile. These are subtle cues that you’re open to his approach.
Make eye contact and hold it for an extra second. Another easy way to encourage conversation.
When he comes over, smile again. Now, he’s getting warmer. He can sense that you’re receptive to his advances and that, because you’re smiling, he’s not going to be rejected.
Square your body to meet his. When you’re not square, it appears that you’re looking past him or are trying to get out of the conversation. Simply turning to meet him, face to face, shows you’re interested without having to say a word.
Touch him. On the hand. On the knee. On his bicep. It’s not necessarily sexual…but it’s not NOT sexual either. Women generally don’t touch men if they’re not physically interested.
There are other things you can do to hint at your attraction to him. You can toss your hair. You can apply lip gloss. You can bite your lower lip.
All of these things are supposed to draw attention to your femininity, highlighting what makes you different from men. I couldn’t say whether this triggers a biological instinct or if these are just common pop culture tropes we see in movies.
Honestly, it doesn’t matter.
The main point of using body language is to organically express interest in such a way that makes the guy feel safe in showing interest. It may sound crazy but asking out a woman in person is nerve-wracking for most guys, so anything you do to let him know he’s on the right track is appreciated.
Tip 4 Bring a strong texting game
Meeting in person is just one way of flirting with a guy. But now that you have each others genuine attention. you’re probably going to communicate via text.
Many guys rely solely on text so knowing how to make this fun is imperative.
Just like in person conversations, you don’t have to be a know-it-all, an expert in current events or laugh-out-loud funny to make guys like you.
You just have to be warm, playful, and enthusiastic – so that you can differentiate yourself from all the other women he’s texting.
If you’re going to have a great text conversation, here are a few tips to help:
Write more. I know it’s easy to send a string of emojis, write one-liners, or reply “nice picture,” but doing so doesn’t actually accomplish anything. So what are we trying to accomplish? You want to differentiate yourself from all the other women he’s potentially texting. You want to make a unique connection. You want him to see you as the only person he’s interested in meeting.
Since texting has largely replaced real-life conversation at bars and parties, you want to make this feel more like a real-life conversation. Ask questions. Tell stories. Don’t be afraid of leaning in. When he starts thinking about whose conversation he enjoys most, he’s going to think of you.
Have fun. Because if you’re not having fun, he’s not having fun. And yet far too many text exchanges are boring and dreary. Guy opens with a conversation starter like “How was your day?” You reply with “Great. Met my friends for dinner. Sushi!” Then you send him a photo. He likes your photo and the conversation stops for a few hours. A few days later, he says, “What’s up?” You reply, “Not much. You?”
Can you see why texting is not ideal for flirting? People tend to write what’s easiest/laziest/fastest instead of taking a moment to do what’s best.
So if you’re going to up your texting skills, use a little creativity. Ask him silly questions. Tell him a funny story. Set up a time to talk to him via FaceTime or Zoom. Don’t be afraid to add a little flirt energy when you sign off by calling him pet names: Cutie, Sweetie, Handsome, Stud. And if your first reaction to that was, “I would NEVER say something like that,” congratulations: that’s why you’re reading an article about how to flirt with a guy. This stuff actually works!
Tip 5 Make him feel important
There’s a saying in Love U: men are about feelings, not about looks. That doesn’t mean that men aren’t shallow and driven by attraction. Of course, they are. What it means is that looks will get you in the door, but what determines whether he stays is how he FEELS in your presence.
So while, on one hand, it’s good advice to not worry about what a guy thinks (assume the answer is yes!), it’s also good advice to make him feel important.
This advice is sometimes taken in the wrong way so let me explain. Making him feel important is not about putting him on a pedestal. That would completely undermine the first tip to “assume the answer is yes.” But if you’re the CEO and he’s the intern, you can still make the intern feel good about wanting to take a job at your company, right?
Here’s all you have to do:
Put away your phone and don’t look at your texts while you’re together.
Ask him questions, listen to his answers, and follow up with more questions to illustrate you’re interested in what he has to say.
Look him in the eye and hold eye contact.
Compliment him – on his shirt, his shoes, his eyes, his business acumen, his funny story.
Allow him to hold your hand or put it around your waist while walking.
Thank him profusely for planning the date, picking you up, and grabbing the check.
When he tries to kiss you, kiss him back (presuming, of course, you like him.)
In short, men respond very well to being accepted, appreciated and admired.
If you can do a handful of these things on a date, you will have aced Flirting 101 and guys will want to come back for more.
Big Mistakes To Avoid When Flirting
Idea 1 Don’t act from a place of fear, scarcity, or insecurity.
When you meet a guy you’re attracted to, you may get a little nervous. “He’s so cute! He’s so funny! He probably has so many options! I hope he likes me! I don’t want to say the wrong thing!”
It may be normal to feel this way, but the more you find yourself in that headspace, the more likely you are to act insecure. And nothing is a bigger flirtation killer than insecurity.
Think of a guy who doesn’t have much game. He asks you if you’re having fun. He asks you if you like him. He asks if he’s going to see you again. He apologizes frequently for saying something you may think is stupid. Naturally, it’s flattering to have a guy like you but if he can’t carry on a normal conversation with you because he’s so intimidated, it’s really no fun for you.
Imagine you already have a boyfriend. Now imagine meeting a cute guy at work.
You may be attracted to him but you don’t spend any time worrying about whether he likes you, whether he’s emotionally available, or whether he’s got serious baggage. You act normal because the stakes are low and you’re not worried about being good enough.
That’s how you act when flirting.
Idea 2 Don’t be shy. Don’t read the last Don’t worry about whether he likes you!
It’s true. Men like to talk about themselves. A lot. Sometimes, you’ll go out with someone who puts on a two-hour monologue just to demonstrate why he’s worthy of you. And while some guys will be content hogging the spotlight, quality men actually want to get to know you.
So don’t be a passive participant on your dates.
If he starts to drone on endlessly about his work or his golf game, steer the conversation back to something you enjoy.
If he rants about his ex-girlfriend, you can be a sympathetic listener without turning into his therapist.
In other words, don’t be shy about taking the microphone back and sharing what makes you tick.
A lot of dating advice tells women to keep things light. I strongly disagree. There’s a superficial bond that happens when you discover you both like skiing or listening to true crime podcasts; the real one comes from having an authentic conversation.
Don’t be afraid of talking about family, friends, exes, hopes, dreams and fears. Exchanging real information with someone is what makes him feel closer to you – and that’s a key part of flirting.
Idea 3 Don’t be afraid of being a tease.
Women often feel like they’re in a no-win situation. You understand that men are visual, that they’re interested in sex, and that they tend to move more quickly. And yes, you want to appeal to them.
At the same time, you don’t want to invite unwanted attention or give the impression you’re “that” kind of girl. I can see why that feels stressful, but honestly, you don’t have to worry about it.
My advice in Love U is never about right and wrong, but, rather, effective and ineffective.
What’s more effective? To go on a date in sweatpants and no makeup? Or to wear something form-fitting, show a hint of cleavage, and accentuate your best features.
What’s more effective? To get offended or shut down when a man starts talking about sex? Or to roll with it, have a good laugh, and set boundaries when you deem it necessary?
What’s more effective? To tell a guy over appetizers that you don’t kiss on the first date? Or to let him get excited and wonder what’s in store when he goes to kiss you good night?
Clearly, being flirtatious is more effective in each of these circumstances.
And clearly, by dressing up, bantering about sex, or making out in the parking lot, you are under no obligation to sleep with a guy unless you feel 100% comfortable with it.
Any man who thinks this makes you a tease is not a man worth taking seriously.
Idea 4 Don’t text anything boring
Texting is ubiquitous – the most common form of communication. But it’s also the worst form of communication because it’s brief, it leaves out body language and intonation, and there’s a strange power dynamic that is determined by how quickly you respond to texts.
But since you’re going to do it anyway, you might as well do it right. That means no one-word answers and few one-line answers. That means no more than two texts in a row. That means no serious relationship discussions via text. The medium itself is just not conducive to successful emotional exchanges.
It works if you’re running late, if you want to say hi, if you want to be sexy, or if you actually have something interesting to share.
It doesn’t work if you write the most obvious things. Each text should make him want to respond with something other than silence or a thumbs-up. Otherwise, your conversation will lose momentum.
Excise “What’s up?” “What are you doing?” “How’s your day?” “Checking in” from your texting vocabulary and use this to stimulate, engage, and ask interesting and specific questions.
Idea 5 Don’t compete with him.
Like the being sexy thing, this is a subtle concept based on a balanced and nuanced approach.
Do you want to listen to a guy brag for two hours about himself? No.
Do you want to share what makes you unique? Yes.
Do you potentially risk turning into the guy who brags about himself for two hours? Yes.
No one is asking you to dull your shine, diminish your achievements or cater to the insecurities of men. At the same time, if you’re constantly one-upping him, it may not be very effective in making him feel great about your interaction.
If he says he went to Spain for a week, you tell him you went to Spain for a year.
If he tells you he graduated undergrad with honors, you make it clear that you got a joint JD/MBA.
If he says he has shoots 90 in golf, you tell him that you were all-state and want to beat him on the links this Saturday.
Naturally, you’re going to talk about what you have in common.
Just be sensitive to the tone of that exchange. If this were being written for men, I’d tell them the same thing.
I hope this article helped you with all the specific ways you can learn how to flirt with a guy.
It’s not rocket science, but when you take a few of these flirting tips out for a spin with the guy you like, I can almost assure you that he’ll react to you differently. Not because you’re a different person, but because you’re showing up with more confidence, warmth, playfulness, and a better understanding of how to build attraction with guys.
Now go out there and get your flirt on!